My own search for mirroring and acceptance began quite early in life. I was a counterpart of the more charismatic, grandiose Narcissistic – I was, in fact, a Covert or “Closet” Narcissist, a shy, compliant, and eager-to-please individual who tends to confuse admiration or praise with love. It turns out that my feelings of depression and emptiness are symptomatic of the flip side of Overt Narcissism. In my case, I was depressed as a child and adolescent, but enjoyed a brief respite during college and the first year of my marriage. The lack of mirroring that Miller wrote about seems to be an important factor contributing to the development of covert narcissism and the quest for someone who might provide the kind of mirroring we missed in growing up. And as I read further, I became aware of the important link between depression and the life-long futile search for “mirroring” that many people, including me, unconsciously embark on early in life. I was painfully aware that I would never get my wish – my mother has been dead for several years now and so I began to feel let down, slightly depressed. When I read Miller’s words, I realized that I had always longed for my mother to look at me with accepting eyes, to accept me for who I was, without criticism or disapproval. In the first weeks and months of life he needs to have the mother at his disposal, must be able to avail himself of her and be mirrored by her…the mother gazes at the baby in her arms, and the baby gazes at his mother’s face and finds himself therein…provided that the mother is really looking at the unique, small, helpless being… … the child would find not himself in his mother’s face, would remain without a mirror, and for the rest of his life would be seeking this mirror in vain. In one chapter, Miller describes the childhood origins of a form of narcissism that is different from the widely recognized Grandiose or Overt Narcissism - a more subtle or covert type of narcissism.Įvery child has a legitimate need to be noticed, understood, taken seriously, and respected by his mother. Written by an Anonymous PsychAlive ContributerĪ reader who commented on the article “ Narcissistic Relationships: the Perils of Loving a Narcissist” raised an interesting question, “Why would a person go back to a Narcissist?” His question resonated with something I read recently in Alice Miller’s book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, a statement that may provide an answer to this readers question a statement that also had personal meaning for me.
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